As I look at my Facebook feed, I notice that I bypass a lot of it and seek out the RunJunkEe posts specifically. I am never disappointed when I am greeted with stories of success, inspiration and drive. The first two I understand but it is the last that I find I struggle with. I hear it over and over, "I have drive." I question, how do I get to that point? Where does it come from? What sacrifices do I have to make to be driven? I am amazed at these people who see the course ahead of them and plow through. I know that their drive isn't easy. I hear the stories of what got them there, how they stay there and even the struggles they still face, but for me, I often struggle to take myself out of Park.
I could tell you that I get up every morning at the crack of dawn, get dressed and run, but I am not going to lie to you. I struggle. Sometimes I make it all the way to the door and my internal GPS will change routes to "Fastest Distance" and bypass the tough stuff a.k.a. my run. So what do I do? Again, I could tell you that every time I detour the GPS and it continuously says to me, "at the next corner, make a U-turn" but sometimes, I just go with the flow and continue on about my day, mindlessly following the "fastest route". I am telling you all of this because I don't think I am the only one out there who struggles with this. In fact, I know that even those long distance people who seemingly run for hours, miles upon miles, struggle to find their drive, but I am here, asking those who push through the parking break to help me and others like me put ourselves in drive more.
I know a lot of what has to happen is to have a mindset that pushes us to be better. I am working on that. I have changed a lot over the past year. However, I am a creature that is paralyzed by fear all too easily. I am not afraid of running into snakes or being seen, hell the idea of the boogeyman lurking in the woods of my country road doesn't even deter me much. What I am afraid of is success. I have created my identity as the "token fat girl" and before you say, "you shouldn't be so hard on yourself," I already know that. It doesn't change the fact that for 20 years of my life, I avoided situations where I would be physically uncomfortable. I made jokes at my own expense before anyone else could and even went as far as to say, "I may be fat, but you are ugly, and I can diet" in retaliation to those who beat me to the punch line. I physically AND mentally do not know how to be anyone else, other than the "fat girl". The even stranger bit of my psyche is that when I look in the mirror, I don't always see the girl everyone else sees. I never really saw the morbidly obese girl staring back at me, I saw someone who was thinner. It was when I looked at pictures, that I was shocked to see HOW MUCH I had let myself go. So the question again is, Where do I find that kind of drive?
I look to the people who are out there running for what seems like forever. I know that your drive comes from within, but I challenge you to tell us, the ones who are in park or idling in neutral, is there ANYTHING that will help us to find our drive? Is there anything that we can do to hijack our lives back and push us forward? Are there tricks we can do to help us along? For now, I will continue to be the student driver. I will continue to try and unlock the mystery of the drive and I will keep moving forward and hopefully more often than not.
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