Mom,

There have been so many things I have done in my life I am not proud of.  So many mistakes.  For all of the times if have fallen down, I have always found a way to get back up.  My decisions, good and bad, have made me who I am, and I have very few regrets.  One of the days I do regret is May 15, 2010.  Not because of my words or actions, though they weren't anything to be proud of, I was in a hospital room fighting with my dying mother.  But because of the things I didn't say.

I never said goodnight.  I never said I'm sorry.  I never said I love you.

Nope.  I was in a bad mood.  I was selfish.  It was Saturday night, visiting hours were almost over, and there were beers I needed to drink.  Besides, even though you were sick, nothing was going to happen that night.  We were coming back the next day.  I was going to bring you Rita's, like my future intentions somehow made up for my being a douchebag in the present.  The next day came, but not how I thought it would.  The next time I would see you, you were on life support.  I woke up at 6 a.m. in a drunken stupor to the messages that the cancer had caused you to have a massive heart attack overnight.  They didn't know how long the machine would keep you alive.  Some car accidents don't hurt as bad as that instant sobriety did.  

You died that day.  It wasn't the first time, or the last time, I felt like my world came crashing down around me.  But it was the most painful.  It's been almost 5 years.  The road from that day to today has been long and winding, with lots of detours, pot holes, and speed bumps along the way.  Watching you die convinced me to quit smoking.  Before I would quit drinking, I would go to the bottom of many bottles in search of you, or something, or anything.  When I did finally sober up, I started running.  I don't know whether I was running away from something, towards something, with something, in search of something.  In the beginning it didn't matter.  In some ways it still doesn't matter.

The running changed me.  At first it was just physical changes, then mental.  It made me stronger.  But I still didn't have peace.  I still didn't have acceptance.  I still had guilt, and regret, and so much pain.  As the miles piled up, and the races came and went, I remembered so many things.  I had always thought my early childhood memories were full of so much pain.  But now they were what I was latching onto.  Why?  Because even in all those times when everything was wrong, when you were broken, crying, alone, defeated, there were two things you always told me when things were at their worst.  "Goodnight.  I'm sorry.  I love you." and "Broken homes don't make broken people".

I realized at the end of last summer that the pain I was holding onto wasn't because you were gone.  It was the pain of my inability to forgive myself for what I didn't say on May 15, 2010.  Like that night, I was still being selfish.  But I still wasn't ready to let go.  I spent a lot of time looking for what you had left me.  If I couldn't hold onto the guilt, what was there to hold onto?  Where would you be?  What did I have left?

Then I found it.  I found it in the sparkle of those two big blue eyes of my little girl as she stared up at me while we danced in the living room while watching Cinderella.  I found it in the infectious laugh of my little boy while we snuggled on the couch watching Saturday morning Disney cartoons.  You left me love.  Now it was my turn to give it to my kids like you gave it to us.  Through all of my failures and my successes, you were always there to hold my hand and love me, no matter what.  You taught me how to be a good parent.  You taught me it was ok to make mistakes.  You taught me that your children are the most important thing in the world.

So, what does this all have to do with running?  When I signed up to run tomorrow's marathon, I knew this would be it.  I knew I was going to move to Florida.  I knew this would be goodbye to New Jersey, to the people, places, and things of the past.  Even though I moved to Pittsburgh in 2004, I still never really left.  But this would be different.  Most importantly, I knew it would be time for me to say goodbye to the piece of me that was still holding on to you.  He needs to go with you.  Not because I need to forget about you, but because I only have two hands, and these kids are going to be needing them for awhile.  I am finally ready to let go.  

But there is still one more run to go.  I need you to hold my hand for 26.2 more miles.  Before I ran Chicago I asked you to give me wings, I knew I'd never qualify for Boston without them.  No wings tomorrow.  Just your company.  I need you to run with me one more time.  No fear, no pressure, no expectations.  When we get to that finish line I can let go for the last time, and the piece of me that is going with you can finally be at peace, and I can take these two little sets of hands and head into the future giving them all of the love that you gave me.  And whenever I need to find my mom, I won't have to look any further then the smiles of my son and daughter to find her.  Or I could just go for a run, because these two legs seem to always be able to find where you are.

Goodnight.  I'm sorry.  I love you.

Mike

Since October 2013 my running/training/racing schedule has been a whirlwind. Since the day I laced up and got back on the pavement after a tibial stress fracture, I have run 4 5Ks, 5 10Ks, 2 10 milers, 5 half marathons, 1 30K, 6 full marathons, and my first 50K. It has been a busy 18 months to say the least, with a lot of personal and professional changes going on behind the scenes as well. I have pushed very hard for a lot of reasons, and beyond a day or two I haven't taken any time to appreciate how far I've come, how hard I've worked, or much of anything that has gone on around me. Nothing has felt good enough, so I've just kept pushing. PR'd? Not fast enough, new training plan. New diet. Lose weight, get faster. BQ'd? Hire a coach, push harder. Physically tired, mentally tired, keep going, have to get better.   Day in and day out, wearing myself down, working through aches and pains, pushing through mental barriers in search of something, not really knowing what it was. Yesterday I found out what it was.

I won't get in to a ton of details, but heading into my first 50K this past weekend at the Badwater Cape Fear 50K on Bald Head Island, NC I have to admit I was less then excited. First ultra race (had trained past the distance but never raced), unknown location, beach running, mentally and physically feeling tired, I didn't feel like I was ready. Even the night before while trying to fall asleep, the knot of nervousness in my stomach was so big and so hard I was actually dreading the morning. Once the race started I began to settle down, and the road miles went by quickly and as planned (I did get lost, but that's another story). As I began running on the beach, which was a struggle, I experienced something I had never felt during a race: I was alone. But it was what I needed. Miles of beach running slowly went by, and with about 3 miles left, heading towards the finish line all alone, I was in the lead and had a chance to win the race. Physically I kept moving, but mentally I stopped right there. That was the moment I had been searching for.

It wasn't winning that I needed, but those last few miles heading towards the finish line I let myself do something I haven't done since I can't remember when. I let myself appreciate what was happening. I was running on a beautiful island, I had come to the race with and met some awesome people, I had pushed myself harder and further then I thought possible. My support group isn't huge, but it is full of some amazing people who believe in me. I have some awesome friends who believe more in me then I have ever been able to believe in myself. I have only worked with my coach for 4-5 months now, and for as hard as he has pushed me he truly had me ready to run yesterday. For as difficult as things have been, I have two beautiful children who remind me everyday why I have worked to better myself. For as difficult as I have made things, I have a beautiful girlfriend (who also won the 50K) that I couldn't be happier for, more proud of, and luckier to have in my life. Everything I have lost, everything I have failed at, everything I have overcome, everything that is changing, I am literally right where I want to be.

Things are still moving and changing around me, but I finally stopped to appreciate where I am. I am happy. I am excited for the future. I am excited for what I have been able to do in the last 18 months. I am excited for what the rest of 2015 has in store. Running has done lot for me in the last 3 years and helped me realize quite a bit about myself, about life, and about the changes that have gone on around me and inside of me.

I usually end my blogs with the tag line "There Is No Finish Line". In some ways that is still true, but life does have finish lines at certain points. Sometimes you get to them and you've won, and what you've won is a lot more then just a race.

Mike

This blog is a special shout out my to my training partner for the Chicago Marathon, 4:05:58.

Unfortunately, on May 4, 2014 at the Pittsburgh Marathon, I missed my dates with a PR of 3:45, 3:50, 3:55, 4:00, and even 4:05. Physically I was trained to run 3:45 or better. Mentally I was not focused enough to run my race the way I wanted.  As happened in Buffalo, Philadelphia, and Disney, my head got in the way.  So for the last 20+ weeks, you and I have spent a lot of time together, 4:05:58.

I have you engraved on a medal I despise, that I look at everyday, out of disappointment.

My profile picture comes from the day we first met, and I hate looking at it everyday, but won't change it until we finally part ways.

I constantly think about the sinking feeling as the wheels fell off of that marathon, with downtown Pittsburgh straight ahead of me as I ran towards the city, my Garmin reminding of the time that kept slipping away.  This wasn't the first time it happened.  As mentioned above I experienced similar race train wrecks in Buffalo, Philadelphia, and Disney.  I have never really talked about them, admitted what happened, or discussed it with anyone.  I always thought it was because they were destination races, and travel and stress contributed to the issues I had.  My times were always respectable enough for me to just shrug it off and act like everything was fine.  Not this last one.  Not you 4:05:58.  I can't shake you.  This happened at home.  I knew the course, the hills, the bridges, the towns, the crowd.  You snuck up on me out of nowhere.  The feeling of heading towards the finish line was not one of excitement, it was a feeling of failure because of what could've been.  And there you were waiting for me 4:05:58, the prom date I never wanted, the blind date that I would've run from if I had the chance.  

In the last 20+ weeks you have motivated me in ways I have never thought possible. I have lost 45+ pounds in that time.  Completely changed the way I train.  I took on an advanced training plan I didn't even know if I could finish, because you convinced me I needed to do more if I wanted to be better.  You have taught me to fuel, hydrate, pace myself, and approach each run with a strategy.  I have done more speed-work in one week this training cycle then I had ever done in the past.  I consistently run negative splits, and have even been able to finished long runs with sub 6:30 miles the last mile.  This is not the pre 4:05:58 Mike.  You have made me more focused then I ever thought possible.  The times in my training when I would have previously pulled back or gotten overwhelmed, you have convinced me to push through, work harder for one more hill, one less second, one last mile.  In some ways, 4-5 miles of falling apart may have been the best thing to ever happen to me, because if I had never met you, I may never have lit this fire inside myself on my own.

Just over 2 more weeks from now, and we get to dance on the streets of Chicago together.  What will make this different then the other races?  I will have something for 26.2 miles I never had before, I will have you.   I will be talking to you a lot, reminding myself of how you have made me feel for 5+ months.  You are the main ingredient to the glue that has kept my head together through this training cycle, 4:05:58, and I intend to use you for everything you are worth.  I hope to never see you again, but I will say, you have been one hell of a motivator. I hope I find a replacement that can push me even harder.

There is no finish line.

Mike

It has taken me a long time to accept who I am, accept and embrace my faults.  It has taken even longer to acknowledge me weaknesses, admit them to myself, and struggle with how to overcome them.  Its funny, because its been through running and being sober that I have been able to find out what my biggest weakness is, my fiercest demon, my biggest adversary:  no matter how strong or how far I have come physically, I am still weak mentally.  That doesn't make me a weak person.  That just makes things more difficult.  Racing in particular.

Obviously, most of my reasons for not leading a sober life for over 32 years had to do with my inability to handle my emotions and the events going on in my life.  I thought I was independent, tough as nails, and walked through life without a care.  In reality, I was scared, frightened, and hiding, using drugs and alcohol as a mask to hide behind.  Since becoming sober close to 2 years ago, I have experienced stress, anxiety, sadness, heart brake, fear, anger, and various other emotions, and they hit me like a freight train.  I don't have a crutch to lean on anymore.  I don't have a mask to hide behind.  That's a good thing.  But its a struggle.  I get lost in my head.  I frustrate those around me.  I frustrate myself.  I feel weak and alone, and I get in moods that I know annoy the people I care about.  I say and think stupid things.  Its tough to accept that you are this way, and its even harder to know that it makes you a difficult person to be friends with or close to.  Communication is difficult because I never even shared these feelings with myself anymore, how do you share them with someone else?  That's where running comes in.

I don't run from these feelings, I run with them.  In training its fine, however my problem has been racing.  I struggle to race because my head is all over the place.  I have had some successful races, but have never put it all together and accomplished what I think I am capable of because I get lost in my thoughts and I mentally sabotage myself.  I have spent close to 21 weeks now training for my next marathon.  I have logged more miles then ever, lost over 45 pounds, worked on speed, hydration, fueling, and feel great.  I think I am ready to take a huge leap as a runner, but that big question mark still looms over my head.  Can I handle it mentally?  Will I finally be able to get to the start line, look up, smile, and do what I've worked so hard for?  Or will success get stuck somewhere between the thoughts of fear and failure that have loomed inside my mind for as long as I can remember?

It won't be long before I find out.  I see so many people struggle with injury, injuries have never been a big obstacle for me.  I have always been able to draw motivation from within to keep going, even when physically I feel unable.  Last year I learned what it takes to mend a broken bone and was able to keep training and become a better runner because of it.  Now I have to try and mend a broken mind.

Its fitting that October 10 I will travel to Chicago alone, taking a trip to run a race against the person who has always stood between me and success, happiness, and peace of mind: myself.

On October 12, when I run the streets of Chicago, I am going to run with the last skeleton in my closet, the one I have never been able to face.  Its not alcohol, drugs, suicide, my parents, divorce, it's me.  After 26.2 miles we'll see which one of me wins. 

There is no finish line.

Mike 

Am I injured or am I hurt?  I ask myself this every morning before the sun comes up, several times throughout the day, and after the sun goes down.  You can run if you're hurt, if you're injured you can't.  And it hurts.  Ever day it hurts.  My calves scream.  My heals throb.  My knees are tight.  Scar tissue is built up in my ankle.  My back feels like boulders are sitting in it.  Headaches make it hard to take my head off the pillow.  None of these are injuries.  This is everyday.

Sometimes people act like running a lot of miles every week is easy.  Because RunJunkEes sponsors some of us that we have superhuman recovery.  This is not the case.  I will let you in on a little secret:  my legs hurt more today, after running a 90 mile week, then they did when I first started running.  It has never gotten easier for me.  I can just push harder, go faster, and run stronger.  I run with pain that would keep some people in bed for the entire day.  This doesn't make me special, or superhuman, or anything like that.  Anyone can do it if you want it bad enough.

As for injuries,  I have had plantar fasciitis, runner's knee, it band problems, ankle problems, on and on.  Smart or not I ran through them all.  Except one.  Last August I got the bright idea of doing one of those zombies are chasing me mud runs.  I fell a few times, and unknown to me I got a stress fracture in my tibia.  To make the fracture worse, I went for a 20 mile training run the next day.  It hurt, but I thought that was normal.  I couldn't walk afterwards.  Stubborn as I am I still thought I just hurt myself.  Tried running two days later and couldn't make it 10 feet.  Off to the doctor's I go.

After being diagnosed the doctor told me I'd be off my legs for 12 weeks and couldn't run my full marathon in November.  After some back and forth he agreed to do another MRI after 9-10 weeks and if all was clear I could try to run.  But how to stay in any type of marathon shape when I couldn't?  It was not the time to be depressed, get lazy, or give up.  I found other ways to keep training.

I got up everyday and was at the gym when they opened at 4 a.m. I lifted for an hour and a half to two hours.  I got a pool running belt, shoes, and a heart rate monitor and simulated all of my runs in the pool for 1-3 hours a day.  It was boring.  It sucked.  But it worked.  Once my leg felt little better I was able to go on the bike.  And I did this everyday.  For two months.  It was boring.  I wanted to cry.  But I was not going to give up.  My ass was going to be at the start AND the finish line on November 17th in Philadelphia for the full marathon, fracture be damned.  If you want something bad enough you will find a way.  If not you will find an excuse.  Being injured would not be my excuse.

I was cleared to run after 9 weeks.  Within a month after being cleared I ran a 10k race, a 10 mile race, and a full marathon.  Each of those races remain my worst time because I had lost a step.  But I finished each of them strong, standing upright, because I didn't allow injury to make me lose sight of my goals or diminish my motivation to keep moving forward.  

Each of us has to decide what they want out of everything they do.  Running is more to me then a recreation, then a hobby, or a way to keep in shape.  It is part of who I am. Whether injured, hurt, depressed, heartbroken, afraid, anxious, lost, it doesn't matter, I have running, if nothing else.  So no matter how many obstacles life throws at me, I am going to bust my ass to make sure I am the best runner I can be, even when I can't run.

There is no finish line.

Mike

In my time running, both before and after I got into races, I have always looked for the best physical activity to complement my running.  The perfect cross training.  I have tried lifting, core exercises, swimming, Insanity, P90X, stretching, yoga, and riding the stationary bike.  I have been asked to try Crossfit so many times I have lost count.  After a lot of trial and error, I think I have finally found a good cross training routine that works for me, has kept me healthy, is helping me lose weight and making me a stronger runner.

Lifting:  I lift three days a week.  I normally run in the morning, lifting is done at night.  I never ever lift before I run, primary focus for all of my energy is running.  After years of going to a gym and lifting heavy I started just lifting at home.  I use free weights and dumbbells up to 60 lbs each for all exercises.  One day is biceps/triceps, one day is chest/legs, one day is back/shoulders.  I do about 10 exercises for each body part, lower weights, high reps per set (at least 20), and average about 3 sets per exercise.  Not a lot of breaks in between sets, I normally finish lifting in an hour or a little longer.  In the past I lifted much heavier, but increasing any type of muscle mass just slowed me down.  In the past few months I have gotten much leaner, but maintained a lot of my strength, and this has contributed to increased speed in my running.

Stretching:  I have been stretching daily for the last 16 months and it has helped more then I could ever explain.  I had a lot of nagging injuries when I first started racing, plantar fasciitis, runner's knee, shin splints, etc.  Nothing that kept me from running, but a lot of annoying aches and pains that kept me from enjoying it as much as I should.  I looked online, in books, and asked others directly and finally came up with a stretching program that I do everyday that has kept my legs relatively pain free as I have increased my mileage and become a stronger runner.  I stretch for about 15 minutes before every run, another 20-25 minutes after every run, and then rumble roll (its a type of foam roller) for another 10-15 minutes every night.  My stretching primarily focuses on my calves, hamstrings, groin, and it band, with a few other areas covered.  Additionally, I do some shin and knee strengthening exercises after my runs as part of my stretching (to keep the shin splint sand runner's knee away, so far so good).

Core:  I do core 4-5 times a week, usually in the evening after my rumble roller session.  Lots of planks, all different kinds of crunches, abdominal holds, etc.  The main focus of all of the exercises is to have a stronger core to support the rest of my body when I am running.  Core work has helped me to greatly improve my running form, I get fatigued much less, and any back pain has gone away for the most part as the improved form allows me to run with my back straighter.  A six pack would be nice, maybe one day.

Additional Cardio:  I have always done some kind of additional cardio in addition to running.  I will never be a tri-athlete because it doesn't appeal to me.  I tried elliptical and stair machines at the gym but was never a fan.  I don't bike outdoors because I could never get into it, I'd rather be running if I am outside doing cardio.  Swimming is fine for recreation but I couldn't get into it as a form of exercise (I also don't own a pool and don't see the value in joining a gym just to use theirs when I am not that into it).  That leaves the stationary bike.  Mine is old and scary, but it does the job.  30 minutes 3-5 times a week, always to warm-up before lifting and then a few other days a week.  I don't monitor the miles or go a specific speed, just keep a steady pace to keep my legs loose, get my heart rate going, and break a sweat.  In addition to stretching, this has really helped keep away the annoying aches and pains in my legs.

Well, that's it for me and cross training.  After spending years trying to look a certain way, lift a certain weight, and all that nonsense I have now shifted my focus to being the best runner I can be, and my cross training in combination with my running workouts is definitely helping me see progress.  Everyone is different so get some books, look online, and experiment to find out what works best for you. 

There is no finish line.

Mike   




 

So on June 1st I set a few goals for the month.  One was to run 200 miles for the first time in a month as I kicked off training for the Chicago Marathon in October, the other was to lose at least 5 pounds, with a goal of going from 188 to 183 by the end of the month (I have a goal race weight of 160 in Chicago).  The final goal was to run my last long run of the month a pace faster then 8:29, which is how I started the month off with my first long run.

Well, for goal number 1, I finished the month off with my highest weekly total ever at over 67 miles, and also had my highest monthly mileage ever with over 263 miles.  Surprisingly, my legs aren't sore at all, and feel better then months where I have run much less.  I am into the fourth week of the Hanson's Marathon training advanced plan (I have added some mileage to the base plan) and am loving it.  The speed work feels great, and besides some overheating issues on a few longer runs everything has gone well.  My mileage goal for July will be a whole 1 mile higher, at 264.  Let's see if June was luck or if I have more in me. 

For weight loss for the month I was able to go from 188 to under 175, at 174.4.  I changed up a few things in the beginning of June to jump start some weight loss.  Obviously, I am running more, so this was a huge factor.  Secondly, I completely changed up my cross training.  I decreased the weights and upped the reps on all exercises.  I have always lifted to increase muscle mass, but I have incorporated some new workouts and my #1 goal now is to get leaner and train my muscles for endurance.  So far it seems to be working well.  Finally, there has been a pretty big change to the diet.  Cut down on eating out, junk food, red meat, and other crap and increased lean chicken, fruits, vegetables, while also controlling portions.  It wasn't too easy the first 1-2 weeks, but I am pretty used to it now, and I may even be enjoying it.  For July I my goal is to cut another 5 lbs, which would put me under 170 for the first time in 5-6 years, at 169.

Finally, the long run pace.  The main goal of this was to see if I could see any noticeable improvement in the first few weeks of speed work (interval and tempo runs) that are prescribed by the Hanson's training method.  On 6/1/14, I ran 16.26 on the trail by my house at a pace of 8:29.  This was before doing any speed work and in moderate temperatures.  On 6/29/14, in temperatures that were about 20 degrees warmer (in the 80s) and much higher humidity ran 15.33 miles at an 8:09 pace.  In the middle of the month, I also put in a 15+ mile run at a little over a 7:00 pace, something I had never done before, but I have a lot more work to do before I am confident I can keep that a consistent pace.  I won't be setting a pace goal for July, as the training plan calls for me to slow my lower runs down a little bit as I get into the heavier mileage weeks, so I am going to follow that.

All of this is great, but in reality, it doesn't mean much.  The overall goal is to run a better race in October In Chicago then I did in May in Pittsburgh.  Pittsburgh was the first race where I felt truly disappointed after the finish, and knew I didn't run the race I trained for.  The only way to fix that to work harder.

Hope everyone's goals for June and 2014 are going well. 

There is not finish line.

Mike 

Everyone has some sort of support system.  Sometimes its their parents, siblings, spouses, children, friends, peers, hell, it can even be themselves.  A lot of times a running support system is not something you think about if you aren't a runner.  When you see someone running, training, racing, they are usually alone.  Someone on the sidelines doesn't see the support system, and understand how important its existence, or non-existence is, to a runner. 

I am not a person with a big support system, and I prefer it that way.  It eliminates the need for me to rely on others, something I have trouble doing due to my past.  It also makes it easier for me to train and race when I want to, because I don't have a lot of others, outside of my wife and kids and a few running friends, to consider.  I have one close friend who races with me locally and/or out of town when we have a chance.  My children are young, so its hard for my wife to get them down to races, but its great when she does.  Other then that, its all on me and what I want to accomplish.

Personally, I have never known life to be any different.  When I was young and played sports, I didn't have a big cheering section come to games.  I have a younger sister and brother that required a lot of my mother's attention.  My stepfather worked multiple jobs.  My father left when I was little and would sporadically pop in and out of my life, but he was never reliable.  Many memorable moments in my life were spent without anyone there to say good job, pat me on the back, and be proud of me.  None of this is a band thing.  I have never been the most social person, and many times I prefer to be alone just lost in my own thoughts.  This has made my transition to an endurance athlete easier from a mental aspect, as time alone in my own head is something I am comfortable with.

Is it always easy to run day after day alone, with no one to hold yo accountable, no one to push you, no one to motivate you?  Not at all.  That's what makes it more rewarding to get up at 3:55 a.m. and finish a two hour run before most people wake up and have a cup of coffee.  It is exhilarating to run 15 miles on a Sunday, when it is 88 degrees, humid as hell, and feel completely wiped when you're done.  The long runs at night, the icy runs, the rainy runs, even the treadmill runs, that are all hard, and lonely, but so satisfying.  The satisfaction to accomplish a goal, finish a race, PR, struggle through a run but push through anyway, outweighs any other feeling I have ever felt.  I don't need to be validated by someone else, because for the first time in my life, I am proud of what I am doing for myself.

One final thought on support.  My first official half marathon was May 5, 2013, in Pittsburgh.  That weekend was one of the last times I saw my father.  He was supposed to come down to the race and wait for me at the finish line.  He came to dinner with my family and I the night before the race.  At the time I was having a lot of problems at my former job.  He told me he wanted me to lose my job so my family would have to move in with him and he could see his grandchildren whenever he wanted.  No good luck tomorrow.  No pride.  That was his show of support.  Who needs that?  Not me.  He didn't come to the race the next day.  I ran a 1:44, still my PR for a race at that distance.  Alone.  After 33 years, some things never change, the most inspiring thing he ever did was abandon me again.   

Whatever your reasons for running are, make one yourself.  Take pride in what you accomplish everyday.  Embrace your struggle.  Enjoy your journey.  If you have others that share the experience with you, cherish it.  If you don't, build on it.  Either way, your two legs will carry you as far as you let them.  Enjoy the ride.

There is no finish line.

Mike

So recently I was asked how it makes me feel to be told I inspire someone.  At first I wasn't sure.  Up until being asked this question I had never considered that anything I do, or have done, or any of the things that make me who I am, would ever inspire anyone else in their journey through life.  When I look in the mirror I see years of wasted potential that are just now starting to take root and grow into something meaningful.  That has never really seemed like an inspiration to me. 

This feeling is backed up by a lot of fact.  I mailed in the first 25 years of my life.  I did the absolute minimum to get by, and was lucky I never wound up dead or in jail.  The only reason I have a career now is because I was blessed with some semblance of a brain, that despite my best efforts to kill its contents, has managed to outperform my expectations.  I was lazy, unmotivated, and most likely drunk or high most of the time.  I thought I was entitled to the world but wasn't willing to lift a finger to help myself get out of bed on a Saturday morning.  The list of mistakes I made during this period of time is long, but those are stories to be told another day.  About the only non worthless thing I did was run and lift, and even that was a purely vain action.  That's not very inspirational. 

When I met my wife in 2005 I slowly started to change.  I started my own business, got my graduate degree, invested more in my career and in my future.  I lost my way a little bit through some tragedies that occurred and stopped running, but with my wife we got through it together.  No more drugs, no more drinking, no more smoking.  My daughter was born, then my wife got pregnant with our son.  When I started running again it was to be healthy for my family.  It has obviously become much more then that, though I don't know if inspiration can be found in that.

Every day, I try to do a few things that are important to me.  I try to be a good father.  I try to be a good husband.  I try to give running my best effort. I try to do my job to the best of my ability.  Many days I fail at one, some days I fail at them all, but I always get up and no matter how bad a day goes I give it my best effort.  I go to bed many nights feeling like I have let my family, my employees, and myself down.  Being an accountable and responsible person is a lot harder then being a screw up was.  No matter what though, when I get out of bed the next day, I still feel a million times better then I used to, because I know I am going to face the day and give it my best shot.  I don't know if that's inspiring, I just think its normal. 

So where am I going with all of this?  I realized it has nothing to do with me or how I see myself.  When someone tells me I inspire them, as I said above, it makes me feel good about myself, and that's the most important thing it does.  I don't have a lot of family support, friend support, cheering section, etc. in my life.  I am very critical of myself and have always felt if I stop and congratulate myself and let up I will slip back into the past I have struggled so hard to escape.  Life has beaten me up more times then I can count, and no matter what I always get back up.  Having someone tell me that I inspire them makes the next time I have to get back up a little easier, because it means someone believes in me.  To someone that hasn't experienced that often in life, that means more then anyone could ever imagine.      

Make sure you tell the people who inspire you that they do, you never know how much it might mean, not just to you, but to them as well. 

There is no finish line.

Mike